Dead
by iLuke
Summary: And "When someone looked in his eye, they only saw a dead man. One devoid of all hope for any future". A little insight on Matsuda's real feelings and why he wants to die so badly. Set during and before Ch. 42 in the manga. Spoilerish, MatsuMisa, GASP! AU


**Dead**

_Disclaimer: ONLY OHBA-SAN AND OBATA-SAN OWN DEATH NOTE. NOT ME. If I did, TeruMatsu would be a pairing. -grins-_

_NOTE: Smart!Misa and Depressed!Matsuda, people. I'm actually doing this pairing. OH EM GEE. Although I like TeruMatsu better, I couldn't find a way to fit him in here. Soooo... Yeah. Besides, no one made a single fiction for this pairing, so I'm taking a chance. X3._

_Set before and during Chapter 42: Heaven._

Matsuda had began to scare everyone, simple as that. Every single minute that they had further ventured into the Kira case, Matsuda felt himself die a little more inside. The thing that killed him off was seeing Soichiro, his chief officer, in a state he was for so long. Not only that, but something else they hadn't known. When Misa, Raito and Soichiro were released, Matsuda did not revive. Instead, he died even more. When someone looked in his eye, they only saw a dead man. One devoid of all hope for any future.

Soon, Aizawa had left the Kira Investigation Squad, and Aiber and Weddie had joined the force. Matsuda had become even worse, but still offering his best smile to the new additions.

The rest of the original Kira Investigation Squad had noticed Matsuda's drastic change. Although he continued to play his act as the fumbling idiot he had been before, they noticed that his face was different, and his actions. His faced seemed constantly lined with grief, his actions not as spiffy and his shoulders slumped as if the weight of the world's troubles had been put on him. His eyes were the worst. Devoid of all happiness, they were cold, rimmed with a horrible devistation and the eyes themselves glassy, pale, and in retrospect-- dead.

He had began to go to a nearby bar, having maybe ten, eleven shots of sake at the most, four to seven shots at the least. But he always came back with a grimace, as though the alcohol consumed by him had taken away the mask that hid what he'd truly become. When they had asked what was wrong with him the day after, he had always given his best smiled and said: "There is nothing wrong. I'm perfectly fine! Honest!" But they all knew, even he himself knew, he was lying. He had become an insomniac, dreams of what would happen if he had failed his purpose, letting them die. They all knew that Matsuda, to a certain degree, had agreed with Kira. But they had known he wanted to capture Kira as well. And soon Matsuda was tired.

One day, Aiber, Mogi, Weddie, Soichiro, Misa, Light and L had been sitting in one lounging room close to Matsuda's room. It was midday, and Misa had convinced them all to make them take a break. Misa, however, had remained quiet the rest of the time, and eyes watching as Matsuda had then walked past them, not saying a word. Soichiro was the first to speak up.

"Matsuda... Why not lounge with us?" Matsuda had then turned, looking down at them all, and something scared them by looking at his face. The grimace he had worn then was just like the one he wore when he was drunk, but he was not drunk. His eyes screamed of death and agony, pure torture also apparant. And an undying need to sleep being emphasized by the rings below his eyes.

"I...I'll be in my room." He managed to say, walking to his room. As soon as the door closed, Misa shot up and ran towards the room, pressing her ear to the door. She heard a gun being cocked. Her eyes widened as she flung the door open, finding a sight no one had thought would ever happen: Matsuda, tears streaming down his cheeks, a gun aimed at his right temple. He whispered these words:

"Please... Kami, please let me finally rest..." His eyes slid shut as his face became eerily calm; Would anyone be calm when going to shoot his head off? And the next three events passed him by in a flurry of tears and a horrible fear. Misa screamed out, the others running in the room and Soichiro grabbing the gun, flinging it across the room. He stared disbelievingly at the people who stood before him, who wanted him to _live_, who wanted him to bear his _pain_. As L opened his mouth to speak and Soichiro reaching out to him, his body acted of its own accord. He ran past them, slipping out of their grasp and screaming, "WHY CAN'T YOU LET ME DIE!?!"

They trailed him through flights of stairs, endless hallways and past many rooms in their investigation building. And they finally reached the roof. Matsuda stood at the edge of the room, looking down at the streets below with a strange looked on his face; An insane grin, tears running down his cheeks with wide eyes full of fear. And his face contorted once more to an eerie twisted calmness.

"I wonder what it will be like? To finally rest, without the stress of the world put on me? To be free of the grief I've been put through..." He paused, turning to them, eyes and face in a dead-pan expression, his voice monotone and quiet, but loud enough for them to hear over the rainstorm and the thunder. "...You know, Kira killed my best friend. Kira trapped my Chief. I've been living in grief since this started. Kira is the one who helped me make up my mind: I want to finally rest and never wake up." He tipped himself so that he leaned towards the streets, raging cars and people below him, finally beginning to fall of the building. The scariest thing was that he didn't whimper, didn't scream, didn't make a single sound. Just fell. But he really didn't fall.

Misa and Soichiro had lunged forward and caught his ankles. L, Light, Aiber, Mogi and Weddie had ran forward and helped them pull the suicidal officer back to safety, then restraining his arms behind his back and taking him back inside. Matsuda still remained eerily silent, head cast down. They were in an elevator as the elevator opened, and the thing they hadn't expected happened. Matsuda broke free from the strong grip that Soichiro and Aiber had on him and sprinted past them, having memorized the route to the front already. They tried to follow him, but he was somehow quicker than them. By the time they got to the front, he was gone.

---

Matsuda sat dully at his favorite seat in the bar he visited daily, ordering his thirteenth bottles of sake. As the bottle came to him, he grabbed it, tipping his head back and taking in the substance. Unlike the usual shots he ordered, he was consuming full bottles of sake. And many of the bar's customers stared at him, dumbfounded. Even the bartender seemed slightly scared of him. His cheeks were a rosy tint, the rest of his face pale and flushed. His eyes sagged, his entire body shaking.

"Matsuda!!" He quickly snapped down the bottle, then looking over at the bartender. He had a sickly expression on his face as he slurred the next words with a look of contorted anger, tiredness and a grimace.

"Gimme 'nother, an' stop yer fuckin' starin' at m'." The bartender simply put on a nervous smile, grabbing the hem of his apron with a tight grip and then going over to the stores of alcoholic bottles, grabbing another fairly large sized bottle and setting it down in front of Matsuda. He uncorked it, tipped his head back and chugged it all down, ignoring the stinging in his throat as he set it down, half of its content gone as he swiped at his mouth, leaning on the table and the shaking getting worse. A hand was placed on his back and turned him on his seat, then him facing Misa and Soichiro, Misa wearing a large sweater and holding a closed umbrella with a short mini-skira and Soichiro the same as he always wore. Matsuda grimaced as he slapped their hands off, turning to his precious sake. He emptied the rest of the bottle in chugs before slamming it down, the pressure causing the bottle to shatter and pierce Matsuda's palm.

"Matsuda... Whats wrong with you?" Misa asked, ignoring the comments of some drunk men that were trying to get a peak of the sight under her skirt. Matsuda grunted as he hiccupped, swaying slightly. Soichiro tried to restrain him to take him back, but the drunk raven-headed boy slammed his fist into his face, causing the chief to fly backwards into the wall opposite to them. Misa was then shoved aside as Matsuda left the money on the counter, stalking off in his blissfully drunk state onto the street. Soichiro quickly got to his feet with Misa's help as they both trailed after him.

They found him in an alley, leaning his head against a wall with fists balled up and gently pressing against the cold bricks that made up the side of the building. He hiccupped, swaying as his eyes slid shut, the shaking wracking his body.

"Wha' di' I do t' deserve thi' grief..." He murmured, obviously drunk as he slid to his knees, a sound ripping free from him. Tears began to stream down his cheeks as he sobbed again, shaking terribly. Misa put a hand on his shoulder, him flinching as he looked up, eyes wide. He then saw Misa, on her knees and smiling sadly at him. His eyes filled with tears as he wrapped his arms around her, looking for the comfort he sought as he cried into her shoulder, the model giving him the comfort he needed. And Soichiro realized one thing.

Those two were far from stupid.

---

The door opened and closed as L and Light anxiously turned towards them, Mogi, Aiber and Weddie looking up from their seats. Soichiro was cradling Matsuda in his arms, Misa trailing behind him with a tired expression on her face. The five that stayed behind let out breaths that seemed as though they were held for a long time. Soichiro tried to put Matsuda on a couch, Matsuda clinging to his shirt as if his life depended on it, lips in a frown. Misa got a blanket as Soichiro managed to get Matsuda off of him, Matsuda looking for something to cling to. He then clung onto the blanket Misa had put on him, putting a clump of it under his cheek to act as a make-shift pillow.

"Misa-san..." L began, looking to the model with interest. "How did you know that Matsuda was planning to kill himself? And why did Misa-san insist to go to retrieve Matsuda-san?"

"Funny story, actually." Misa began, looking down at her fingers on her lap. "The reason Misa-Misa knew that Matsuda was going to kill himself was because of two things: Evidence and gut." She took a breath and continued. "Misa-Misa saw that Matsuda was playing with his gun holster way too much. Also the fact that his eyes looked the same as Misa-Misa's did when her parents were killed. The look that say "I want to die, to end this grief and pain of living while those close to me die", giving Misa-Misa a feeling in her gut that was what he was planning to do. To end his grief and pain." She ended, suddenly finding interest in her soaking wet toes that shuffled unconsciously on the carpet. They were all stunned into silence, Light then saying,

"It was also because you knew that you both acted dumb to get attention, wasn't it?" Misa nodded silently, wringing and unwringing her hands in a nervous manner. Nothing else was said until those who went home left, those who stayed in the building stayed, L and Light going to continue the investigation, Misa sitting on the couch in front of Matsuda and watching him a while more. She took off his coat and shirt, hanging them up since they were soaked and clinging to Matsuda's skin. She noticed that there were scars that adorned parts of his body, and scars that only a pocket-knife could do. And it just so happened to be the pocket-knife she'd found in his pocket.

_Misa knows how you feel, Matsuda..._ She thought to herself, finally leaving the room to get some sleep.

---

Matsuda woke the next morning with the most horrible hangover ever. As soon as his eyes opened, he felt the undying need to run to a bathroom, keel over and hurl out his guts.

Thats what he did.

Matsuda panted and heaved as he bowed over the toilet, puke and bile swirling in an unnerving fashion below him. He weakly got off his knees and stumbled back out, tripping several times as his shoulders hunched. Realization dawned on him that he failed. He failed to commit the act he had been longing to get over with. His eyes shimmered over with guilt. His friends... The entire investigation, they'd seen him in a moment of weakness. In a moment where his sanity had snapped. Where he couldn't take the pressure anymore.

And he felt horrible. He felt as though he'd hurt something precious to him. Like hurting a little puppy. And he wished he had his gun with him. Because he wanted to shoot himself again.

"You're awake, Matsuda-san." His eyes widened in horror at the voice. He was tackled to the floor, someone sitting on his back to keep him pinned down. He quickly slid out from under the person, stumbling over to the wall where he turned, put his back on it and slided back down due to the pain he felt at moving. He panted, head cast downward as he caught a glimpse of L, Light and everyone else looking at him in horror. All minus Misa. He then looked down and saw his shirt was taken of. _Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. SHIT._ Matsuda cursed mentally.

"Matsuda... You cut yourself?" Aiber asked, stuttering slightly, eyes wide. He knew it couldn't be helped. He had to lie again. He put on a fake smile, trying to make it seem genuine as he rubbed the back of his head, lying,

"Ah, I was only mugged one day, and the mugger had carried a knife. I'm perfectly fine!" Misa then spoke up, her voice solemn.

"A lie." His eyes widened, and it was then known that he was, in fact, lying. L crouched down to his level, putting a pale hand on his small shoulder.

"Why?" He asked bluntly, genuine concern leaking through his emotionless tone. Matsuda recoiled from L's hand, scooting away and burying his face in his knees and beginning to cry. Tremours shattered his body as he shook his head, not wanting to speak. And they let him be.

Later that day, Matsuda had been accompaning Misa at a video-shoot. And that day would be known as the last day of his life.

---

"Ryuuzaki, are you watching?" Matsuda asked. He was in an incredably tight spot at that moment. He had been caught listening in at the Yotsuba company's secret meeting, then skillfully covering himself up with the lie that he was there to promote Misa for the commercials. They were holding a "reception" at Misa's room in the building.

"Yes." L replied, watching his screen.

"Those eight that we've brought in, they were holding a meeting to plan a murder using Kira. I heard the conversation with my own ears. Its them, no doubt about it." He said, warily watching the door with his watchful eyes. A bead of sweat rolled down his chin, him nervously gulping.

"Are you sure about it...? That's big news if it is true..." L noted, watching intently.

"Ah... Thats... what I thought... Is there any way of me getting out of here alive?" Matsuda asked. _I could manage to die if I have to. It'll be a thrill to finally rest forever. _Matsuda still was thinking his thoughts. He still wanted to die.

"Luckily, you still are alive, so there is a chance. What you have to do... Is die before you get killed." He concluded, looking into Matsuda's eyes. _Hopefully he doesn't try any funny stuff... _He thought to himself.

"...Oh... I see..." Matsuda said, faking a dumbfounded tone. _Perfect! _He thought. _Now I won't suffer..._ _I'll die..._

"Listen carefully... There's an empty street on the west side of the building..." L began.

"Yes... Okay... I'll try." Matsuda replied. _No, I will. I will die, for real. You'll no longer have to worry about me._

_---_

"Ahh, I'm a little tipsy." Matsuda said, faking the sound of his voice. "I feel goooood..." He walked over to the balcony, and murmured,

"A bit of fresh air..." He opened the balcony doors and walked out onto the stony appartment.

"Ladies and gents, attention please!" He opened his arms to emphasize himself. "Welcome to the Taro Matsui show!"

One of the males grinned, saying, "Oh, are you gonna entertain us? Hah hah." Then, Matsuda lifted one of his feet and pulled himself onto the railing and stood tall. She encouraged him as the others in the room were stunned.

"Hey... You're drunk, stop it!!" One guy said, jumping up and pointing a finger at him. Matsuda saying, "Here I go..." Then he noticed the other guy saying that, then replying,

"Heh heh... I'm alright, I do this trick aaaall the time!" Matsuda said, then looking over to them and looking Misa in the eyes.

"Stop, stop it, it's dangerous idiot!" Misa and L both noticed the look in Matsuda's eyes . They said: "I will not fail. I am going to die and I know it." At that moment, his hand slipped and he fell, Misa yelling simutainiously and running to grab him,

"NO! MATSUI-SAN, STOP!! DON'T DO IT!" Instead of catching him, she caught air and instead of catching the matress Matsuda had pushed away from in, twisting down in a spiral towards the ground. The men from Yotsuba tried to get a glimpse of the man falling, while Aiber scurried out of the way due to Weddie's constant calls. Aiber had, however, left hands to cushion his fall. And that was a terrible mistake. His hands were crushed when Matsuda landed in his arms, and he dropped Matsuda and quickly scurried off under the darkness.

"SHIT!! That idiot!" L cursed, Light looking at him with wide eyes. L had cursed. **_L_**, of all people. Light let his mouth drop open. They got out of the borrowed ambulence, then going back to where they were.

Matsuda felt a stinging pain go through him as he realized his neck didn't snap. He also realized that the reason was that Aiber had cushioned his fall. He cursed Aiber as he felt blood begin to stain him, the edges of his vision going dark. Weddie quickly called 911, an ambulence soon arriving. People began to gather as Matsuda was taken into the ambulence, him beginning to whimper in agony.

----

Aizawa heard his phone ring, as he picked up. He was eating with his family happily, but the happiness turned to horror, fear and sadness.

"Aizawa-san. This is Ryuuzaki. Matsuda's attempted suicide just now and is on his way to the hospital." With this, Aizawa dropped his phone.

"No..."

----

Matsuda cried out again, being taken to a nearby E.R. for many proceedures. They had concluded that Matsuda had broken most of his limbs, and that he was in a critical condition. They were still wondering how he survived. _No... I won't survive... I can't! I CAN'T!!! I can't face Misa like this..._ He whimpered, a tear trickling down his cheek as he blacked out.

----

Misa, Soichiro, Aizawa, L and Light sat in Matsuda's room. He was almost like a mummy, all wrapped up in bandages.

"Matsu-san..." Misa whimpered, using his alias nick-name. A peaceful expression was spread across his face, as he lay there. His eyes opened slowly as he looked to his side. He saw Misa. His heart hurt at seeing her look at him like that, at seeing her see him so weak, so close to death.

"M-Misa..." She looked up to his face and quickly ran to his side.

"What does Matsu-san need Misa-san to do for him?" She asked, tears in her eyes.

"Th-there was... A-another reason..." Matsuda whispered, body wracking with pain. "I-I wanted to die... B-because... Y-you... a-and Light... I-it made me hurt e-each day... Th-that you loved him, t-therefore I cou-could never tell you... And e-each day... I d-died a little inside... because of this secret... I-it killed me... a-and..." He leaned as much as he could and brushed his lips over hers, capturing hers in his mouth, causing her to squeak in surprise. They both flinched away, Matsuda's heart then beginning to fail from the fall. He gave her a small, yet genuine smile as his vision began to fade.

"Misa...I...L...Love...Y-you..." His heart stopped, his head lolling to the side as his eyes slid shut, not completely covering his already lifeless eyes. Misa was shocked, eyes wide as her bottom lip quivered, then screaming.

---

Misa looked over to the gun that had once been Matsuda's. She was sitting in his room, missing him greatly. She had grabbed the gun.

"Matsuda... I love you too. And I will die for you." She whispered.

---

News of Misa's suicide reached the news next day. L captured Light as Kira before Light could kill him. And yet something seemed missing.

Of course. Matsuda's cheers of success. And Misa's cheerfullness with Matsuda's own.

And not a day has gone by where they have not been forgotten.

----

**GASP. That was so dramatic. Like a soap opera. A horrible soap opera. -sobs-**


End file.
